Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
nutella sex= disaster
I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Dude it's huge. I don't usually like looking at those things, but you're kind of forced to stare that horse in the face.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
I JUST REALIZED THAT SINCE LEIA IS TECHNICALLY A PRINCESS AND KYLO REN IS HER SON AND STAR WARS IS OWNED BY DISNEY...KYLO REN IS LITERALLY A DISNEY PRINCE.
Oh my Gods. Why. Why did you have to tell me that. D:
SO YOU CAN SUFFER HAVING THAT KNOWLEDGE TOO.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
Regardless I WANT TO BE YOUR SEX DISPENSARY. that is like the career I was born for.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
