i wonder if detective benson from law and order takes those handcuffs home. i bet she does.
4 to the list in one week. Slutsville isn't as fun as the brochure promised.
sitting in the bathroom telling some girl to keep puking or she will die. while holding a beer. nursing school rocks.
$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Every Easter every single one the baby Jesus butt plug comes up
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
I just made myself orgasm twice and Laura lee hit 4 million subscribers. It’s a good day everywhere
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