theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Discovered the secret to willingly attending my 3-o'clock class. Ahoy, Cap'n.
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
Just threw up in airport security. Happy holidays.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
My younger brother just got high fives from all my guy cousins for fucking my best friend. I hate family gatherings.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
Randomize
