she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
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