someone threw a dead crab at me
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Fuck you i've put so many pretzels in her shirt
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
I just saw elmo dancing with gumby. The bars at 7a.m. are AWESOME.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
That 2-CB was ass.
You mean the asprin cut with pez?
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