Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
His was the first dick to ever be in my mouth... Of course I'm going to the wedding.
there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
I was about to take him home and fuck his brains out but then the police came and arrested him for the stolen credit card he had been buying me drinks with all night...
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
She then told me, and I quote "I want to send you nudes just to see how you'd react."
Randomize
