My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
the only reason he called me tonight was because I fertilized his crops on farmville.
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
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It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
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You got kicked out after 30 minutes, 3 beers and 2 shots. Group record. Also you kept rubbing his belly and calling him buddha.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I'm officially removing you from my nudes recipient list on snapchat.
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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