when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.
...the American dream.
What kind of life do I lead that no one is surprised by the fact that I was watching porn at work with the hot 37 year old?
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
Randomize
