hey, what are you doing tonight?
sleeping, g'night!
but i wanted to see you :(
sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!
stop - you have a right hand - use it!
Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.
So my graduate coordinator is possible gay man. I may have just found the easiest way to a degree ever.
Good plan b, put your number on all your forms. Hello gamefull employment.
Take that integrity
I wasn't trying to make you feel bad, I just agreed with you that your life does suck.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Like when I see him I look straight through his appearance and just envision a big walking penis.
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
I woke up with a hangover and a man bun. Reached over to drink water and accidentally chugged raspberry vodka. So there's that.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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