I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
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I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!
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I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Drunkness level: fluent in olde norse
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
He put a doughnut around his dick and I ate it. What can I say. It was a good fucking night.
If your talking about a poncho I WANT ONE
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