The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...
I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
Somehow she is more off limits now than when she was his girlfriend
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Randomize
