I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
Alright this has to stop. Without adderall I don't even have the motivation to get laid. College has ruined me.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
holy shit i just had sex in a phone booth i so feel young again
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
I asked him to tell me a bedtime story, then threw up on him.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Randomize
