So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
your cum blends into my yellow sheets :/
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
I just recycled a years worth of liquor bottles. I can feel my alcoholic carbon footprint shrinking
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I'm still seeing blue. who wrote on my bare nipple?
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
I woke up wearing my panties and an eyelash, soo I'd say your birthday was a success.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
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