Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
Just saw a woman in bootie shorts and a winter coat at the library. God. Bless. Prostitutes.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
My mother is a bitch. She just outed me to my dad. He wants to meet you by the way...
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
I've been vomiting all day.
All day? It's 10am.
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
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