i only shaved half my leg
on purpose
yeah seriously, fuck school. I'm changing my master's thesis question from "what are the neuropsychological correlates of antisocial personality" to "will my cat drink this beer"
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You wouldn't know anything about the tooth on ice in my freezer would you?
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I hope Trump leaves Planned Parenthood alone for at least another month. The week got away from me. #whorelando
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Randomize
