The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I just woke up tangled in fishing line while wearing someone else's bathing suit with fishes drawn all over me. What kind of sex did we have?
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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