Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
That's the kind of activity you can only get away with by wearing a lion codpiece
I fill condoms, not promises.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
He called my boobs fluffy. Part sexy part pilsbury dough boy. Part sexy pilsbury dough boy. I'm so confused. And flattered?
I told my therapist about the other night and he actually whistled and said "wow that is not good."
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
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