He was dressed in cheap leather and smelled like death.
Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
Knowing that porn stars want to fall in love is the weirdest thing I've found to be beautiful recently. I'm so lonely.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
just spent the last 20 minutes cleaning out the soap dispenser. fuck. me. adderall.
we have beer and we're watching the birds have sex in our yard.
Randomize
