So it turns out the white chocolate in the bathroom is actually soap
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"
You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
If by "Are you high?" u mean "Did you just pass out at Genghis Grill walking to your table and falceplant?" the answer is yes.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
i'm high and self actualising, please send help
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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