So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.
He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
She bellyflopped onto the poolside bar, broke one wine bottle, and stole another...the resort staff just frowned and cleaned up her mess.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
I can't wait to see you & have espresso-fueled sex
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
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