im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there
For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.
If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I had to assert my dominance as Alpha Drunk.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
Randomize
