i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
It took my four years to get this degree, and 4 hours to lose it, My parents are not impressed.
Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
All I want is a camelback full of Jameson and the weather to be cool enough for me to wear rainbow spandex. Ugh. Pride problems.
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
HE PEED ON ME. THE MANAGER OF THE BAR.
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
And the you walked in and said to the only under age dude "IM NOT SLEEPING WITH YOU TONIGHT!!!" You may not have high standards but thanks for not sleeping with my brother!
Randomize
