Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
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For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
There are 27 signatures on my ass. What the hell happened last night?
Every time someone made a cup you congratulated them by letting them sign your ass.
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
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Please explain why there is a video of you peeing in the Taco Bell bathroom on my phone? Also why did you wink at the end?
Just drug him and when he wakes up be like "you just woke up from a coma, we've been married for the past five years." It'll be like the Vow but fucked up.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
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