So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I want to take my head off and cuddle with it
Maybe it will forgive me and stop being an asshole
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Well yes he stayed. He brought Guiness, them he shaved me. It's a long, but beautiful story.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
I knew things were bad when my gyno recommended meditation.
In bathroom. Hand in air with cell phone. Help.
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
Randomize
