Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I hate the hobo that sits outside our building
Joe or Chris?
do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?
well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.
i can't believe i had a foursome before a threesome
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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