Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
You would only karaoke to Spanish songs, but sang with the accent of the french candle stick in beauty and the beast.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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