there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
There were penises being pulled out everywhere.
No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He's mad about lube? You know what, don't even. I'm not in the proper mindset to discuss lube.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
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