Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
Sending emails to my new boss whilst unable to move from the toilet seat because of alcohol. Great start to a new job as a school counselor.
My mom just asked me about the teeth marks on my headboard..
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
All I could think about was how many vaginas had been on the toliet that I was pukin in
I was trying to be good but he showed up with dinner and wine and I exploded. Like a bomb. A dirty, sexy bomb
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