More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
AND ONCE AGAIN THE HENNESSEY MAKES ME A SUPER SAIYAN
Oh for fuck's sake, is that why the couch is in the pool???
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