If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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