i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
I feel as though my head has drastically changed shape
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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