You told the cops that they couldn't arrest you because they weren't hot enough to fuck
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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