He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I didn't realize how much I missed him until his balls were back in my mouth..
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.
You are my idol.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.
Did you fuck him in my garden last night?
That WOULD explain the dirt in my vagina
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I am the girl who goes to bed with her make-up on so that she doesn't have to fully redo it in the morning. I am obviously not ready to be a mother.
How does that even work?
Is her birthday actually on cinco de mayo? That makes so much sense
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
Lo siento on account of my penis...
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
