You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
It was a book called Gay Safari.
I'm so happy for you now that you have found your perfect porn novel.
I can't believe you guys got into a sword fight over a chicken nugget
Oh, so that's where all the scratches came from...
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
I have alotted at least an hour for ugly crying.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
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