Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...
you probably should not have drank the wine that everyone spits out. and the sad part, that was not even your low point last night
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
Don't you ever say "drinking at 2" as if it's a bad thing again. I'm asking you as a friend here.
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
You know, you have a good excuse now if you have a poor performance. Just say "what do you expect? I took a paintball to the DICK!!"
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
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