I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Randomize
