i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
It's such a good feeling to send those "I'm not in jail" texts on Sunday morning
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
In other news I have discovered that grindr is the easiest way to get free meals
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
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