Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Puuuub goooolf. Being trashed at 830 never felt so right
Dude what hole are you on?....and its 9:15
hole5. 2 under par. irish nachos
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
WTF DUDE?
Stay calm. I'm sure there's a heterosexual explanation for this
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
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