I wanna bring you to show and tell
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Dude you missed it. This guy in the liquor store knocked over a whole display of 5 hour energy with his face.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
My brother and I have had one conversation in the past like 3 weeks and it was about what it would be like as a sentient butt plug
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
theres a girl in the library eating whip cream out of a starbucks cup... only whip cream, im way to high for this shit
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
