his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.
Took it a bit far last night. While leaving his house, I sent myself a text that said, 'you're still pretty"
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I took out the emergency phone in the elevator and replaced it with a bottle of vodka. The game is simple, do a shot for the number of the floor you're going to. Best suggestion box tip ever.
holy shit I just remembered that story I told about Tom hanks going bowling while high.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
