I asked her if she watches the office. She said no, but do you watch I'm a celebrity get me outa here? That's when i knew. Deal breaker
I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
I was thrown in the air atleast 3 times by baby jesus
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
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