Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
Did I show you my penis last night?
I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.
The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.
I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
Trying to find a card for this engagement party. Can't find one that says "you met each other 5 months ago, cant wait to get the popcorn out and watch this one fall apart"
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
it was like teleporting. everytime i opened my eyes, i was somewhere different... usually the floor.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
Randomize
