Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.
it was fucking weird. cops showed up but they appreciated our 3 story bong. and then some girl tried to steal our cheese and butter
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I have straight up perfected the art of amazing manicures with shaky-as-fuck adderall hands. Also, I'm way too proud of this.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
That guy was drunk and couldn't get it up so he just tried to scissor me.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
We can't shop at Hobby Lobby anymore. They don't like Plan B which basically runs through our veins.
Thank you for always being there for me.
Sorry wrong derek... Do u have any weed?
Randomize
