a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?
my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless
This was like angel cum on the bread of life filled with the nectar of the gods
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I was stretching naked in the middle of my room singing "Somewhere Over the Rainbow", apparently this is what I do when I'm high and the wifi goes out
You were yelling at the mannequin and saying "DON'T LOOK AT ME"
The doctor said that if they accidentally damage my nerve endings I could permanently lose feeling in my lower jaw.. Honestly the first thing that came to mind was how that would affect my blowjob skills.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
But on the bright side the arresting officer was just as hot as I remember and I took a pretty okay mugshot.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
My Hitachi broke 1 day into this stay home bullshit.
Randomize
