god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
I decided they need a food cart that just roams around the library like the cotton candy people at the circus. But with real food. like tacos cause it sounds delicious.
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
YOU ARE THE WORST TRAVEL AGENT! THIS IS A SINGLES CRUSE FOR SENIORS. THEY ALL THINK IM THE FUCKING WAITRESS JUST CAUSE IM BLACK!!!
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
