Three words: puerto rican gang bang
I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
I wasted my skinny years on you. The least you can do is high five me at the bar
I have diapers under my sink. trying to convince myself to use them.
Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again