First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
27 Unforgettable Hookup Texts
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
My day may involve a drug pinata. I LOVE MY LIFE.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
There are two guys's cum on my sheets. Be a man and be the third.
19 Groupies Confess What It’s Really Like To Hook Up With Famous Rockstars
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
He put his SoundCloud on his Tinder bio. I felt personally attacked.