Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
He ate a Doritos taco from my boobs. Does your boyfriend do that?
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
All my female reproductive organs were screaming HELL YES last night.
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.