I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
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I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
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If I got to choose how I die, it would be in an Olympic sized pool of gin and tonic.
May or may not have just put tequila in my special "kids+" orange juice fortified with vitamins a, b, c, d, e, and now t.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
She is crazy bro, she'll kiss me after eating her ass but looses her fucking mind if I double dip a french fry in "our" ketchup!
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