Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
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He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
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Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
If you were awake I would probably ride my bike over, fuck you like a god, leave you in the wonders of life, and bike home
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
help. there is a guy in a bunny costume.
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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