Swine flu. Run for my life!
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)
stop writing like that.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
we played animal sounds and i linked arms with her cuz we were both cats....fate and my community college drama teacher have chosen my one night stand
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
When my beach tent arrives , I strongly suggest quitting our jobs and becoming homeless beach drunks
She tried deep frying a banana by placing one, unpeeled, into a toaster.
Randomize
