If i have to listen to his problems about his girlfriend, he should at least let me suck his cock.
We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
this isn't the first time i woke up with peanut butter in my butt
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
Randomize
