I think I just sold my virginity for plane tickets
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
wearing my old cheerleader outfit to the bar was a great way to get free drinks. i should do this more often
This girl braided my pubes while i was asleep. Now i cant get them undone.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
The drag queen you used to date and the girl you brought over last night are discussing your sex noises in my living room. I'm changing my locks.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
