the star wars geek is hitting on me, and is talking about his lightsaber. need back up NOW
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.
You're sick. Take pictures if you can.
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
There was just a girl standing next to me on the train, wasted, wearing only one shoe. I so wanted to pat her on the shoulder and say "oh honey, we've all been there"
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
YOU MAKE ANAL SEX SOUND LIKE A SPORTING EVENT
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
He literally cried into his tacos and screamed fuck bitches. Don't know if it was the best, or the worst hook up, ever.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Good friends chat about sex - great friends ask about safe words.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
