your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
So we sucessfully lit our bathtub on fire. Thought you should know.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Well. It was around 3 or 4 in the morning. He ran into the woods. Wearing moccasins. Holding an extension cord. He was trying to catch a deer. That about sums up the awesomeness of the night.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
We're at the liquor store. Then going to the hospital
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
