Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
My dream of watching a live dick sword fight might never be realized now. Currently sobbing, shots to follow
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I have a hunchback of notre dame journal from when I was 6 wherein sits a diary entry that reads "saw liar liar today. Carrey's best yet" and that's all.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
Randomize
