In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
Guys are so much hotter at OU. Come my mating season, I am flying south like the geese in the wintertime.
CONFIRMATION: i wiki searched it and Justin Bieber is 15 not 13. so i dont feel like as much of a pedofile now....
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
He's carved the words "SLAM STATION" into his headboard...
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
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