Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
I don't even remember his name...i'm just gonna save it as birthday sex
New all-time record for most uncomfortable I've ever been. A midget just asked me to restrap his fanny pack in the bathroom.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
dude new orleans is fucking wild these two guys just performed dueling banjos except they were actually fighting with the banjos
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
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