My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?
Uh, also, Rob told me he felt bad for choking you.
i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
And he put his penis in my face and I back handed it away.
Randomize
