Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
just passed the gas station where we took pregnancy tests. memories.
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
I would ride that face into the sunset
I have to choose between charging my phone or my vibrator. This is bullshit.
Randomize
