Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I had to carry you down because your legs weren't moving anymore but you were carrying the weights you stole from that guys room... and that's where the bruises came from.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
Whoever I saved in my phone as "Jackpot" last night has your keys.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
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