I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
She brought up feelings... her days are numbered
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
You have not lived until you've puked on your sequined UGGs in the Rite Aid parking lot while going to buy emergency contraceptives.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.
So do you know how we found out he was engaged?
An Amber Alert?
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
blue gatorade loses no color upon regurgitation
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
Randomize
