i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Drunk enough that you donated $50 to taco bell, because they serve a great purpose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Bruh why you gotta judge
You're awake at 3:30 in the morning RSVPing to a musical, I'm well within my means
My last memory of last night was being in a laundry room doing blow and admiring a washer and dryer... I think that's the earmark of old age
So there i was right, midnight, washing my junk off in my bathroom sink.
Randomize