i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
He had "Bad Bitches Only" tattooed above his dick. I don't know his name but I hope I find him again. I also don't feel that I lived up to the challenge.
I woke up this morning and the search history on my phone says: "What is this castle in front of my house?"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
You are lucky that I'm drunk. Otherwise I would bone you into another universe
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
Just woke up. Will be over soon. DON'T LEAVE THE CHAMPAGNE UNSUPERVISED.
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Saw my doctor at the bar. He bought me a drink. I think he was looking up my medical record on his phone because he suddenly had to go. syphilis continues to fuck with my life
Randomize
