So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I have the worst farts today, I'm walking by the cubicles of people I don't like and leaving them surprises. Brb.
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant
I pretty much threw up on him while he slept, I had one task today which was to wash the sheets that I threw up on and I turned them pink. I would leave me if I could
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
do you remember in the middle of fleeing from the cops you stopped in the middle of the road to make out with quail man?
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
This is a weird combination of planning and sexting but whatever
he's like crack. I can't be in the same room with him while drunk and not do him.
Randomize
