Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.
See, not all bad decisions involve my penis.
He fell on top of me at a party. I slept with him a week later. We've been fucking for 2 moths. Most successful relationship ever.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
I think I just got drunk texted by my psychiatrist
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
Me and some guy are crying in a port a potty together after another guy broke up with both of us.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Randomize
