is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
And the horses in Central Park have blankets. And Rafiki just told me "it is time" in the back of our cab.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Not sure if you're still doing the whole "sleeping with only one person" thing but if you're not we should sleep together when I get back in town tonight.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
He just stopped me mid blow job so he could text his wife asking for TacoBell.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I just had sex with the kid I walked next to at my first holy communion
you know you're doing something right when your drug dealer insists on hugging you before you leave.
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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